Dag, things do change quickly. I still don’t love the newborn phase but it’s nowhere near the bottomless pit of despair that was the first 2 weeks. I’ve become accustomed to the randomness of it and thanks to the formula feeding we’ve set up a more effective shift system that lets us split night duties. So I’m probably getting 5-6 hours of sleep at night (total, not continuous, and not every night…but still way better than the NO SLEEP I was getting previously).

I’ve also accepted the fact that she is a contact napper and if I want her to reliably get her naps in, it probably has to be somewhere on my person (I’m typing this as she is taking one of her elusive 1%-of-the-time crib naps. I expect I will not finish this post before she wakes up :)). But every day she tolerates being left in her crib or swing a little bit longer, falls asleep a little more easily, etc. The changes are incremental but they are happening.

Nap Practice

I’ve been doing a lot—A LOT—of reading on baby sleep and sleep training. Alas she is too young for any sort of real sleep training but we have been doing what I call “nap practice” where I put her down, let her fuss for a short period of time (I set a timer), and then go get her. There was one time she did fall asleep and it was magical but usually she doesn’t. The practice is more for me than for her. First of all, I get used to hearing her cry without freaking out about it. Second, I know for sure I’ll have 15-20 minutes to pee, have a snack, maybe even change my clothes.

I felt really guilty the first time I let her cry but it was the day Bren returned to the office and I was alone. I had to go to the bathroom because I am a human with human needs and not some baby care android. I don’t know who these weirdos are that think you should literally hold your baby 24/7 and NEVER let them cry or fuss. They must have nannies. The rest of us have to put our babies down sometimes. I just kept reminding myself that “crying doesn’t hurt her,” which is what the pediatrician and some of the hospital nurses said to us. They knew the day would come when we would have to put her down and we’d feel terrible about it.

(FYI she woke up at this point and now I’m wearing her in the wrap :P)

Everybody is Full of Shit

The reason I bring up naps/nap practice is because I’ve learned about the concept of “wake windows,” which is the amount of time your baby is awake for any stretch. For 0-1 months, they “should” only be awake for 45-60 minutes at a time, lest they get overtired. There are many baby “sleep consultants” on Instagram (who offer courses and consultation services) that provide adorable sample schedules for your newborn based on these wake windows. I also joined a few parenting subreddits that said the same stuff.

Basically you want your newborn to go back to sleep approximately 1 hour after they wake up (that hour includes feeding, burping, diapering, etc). Now, what if you have a weird FOMO baby like mine who won’t close her eyes? She’s not crying, she’s relaxed, she just…..won’t close her eyes. We’re in a dark room, noise machine, rocking motion….won’t close her eyes. Sometimes I put a hand or blanket over her eyes which sometimes gets her to close them but other times it just makes her mad.

I was really stressing out about the fact that she was awake for too long. Yesterday was an especially frustrating day: I almost cried because I was rocking her in the nursery for like an hour and I only got light dozes out of her. Finally I gave up and let her be awake because my tailbone was starting to hurt from sitting in the rocking chair so much and I had to get up.

ALL the sleep advice I found was for soothing fussy babies—nothing about babies who are totally chill but just not sleeping (by the way, she won’t chill in her crib alone. If you put her down then she WILL cry). Finally somebody on one of the subreddits posted a similar plight: baby is chill, won’t sleep. Tried all the suggestions. The responses were along the lines of “well, newborns are random anyway, so don’t worry about it.”

So, like, if we “all know” that newborns are random, what’s with this wake window crap? Why are we all pretending we have newborn sleep schedules??? It’s like with breastfeeding where we “all know” how incredibly difficult it is but everybody pretends it’s not.

I guess the useful things about the wake window concept are that 1) you get used to a rolling schedule based on when your baby sleeps and wakes as opposed to a set schedule based on the clock and 2) you have a vague idea of when to start winding your baby down even if they aren’t necessarily showing sleep cues. I guess even if she doesn’t sleep, at least we aren’t razzing her up.

The 3rd thing is not useful for me but is useful for all those sleep consultants: $$$$$ from parents who are desperate for answers. These people post suggested newborn sleep schedules where the baby sleeps for 2 hours at a stretch and then turn around and say 30-minute naps are developmentally normal. The closest they come to reconciling that is to just tell you to restart your wake window whenever the baby wakes. But IDK how you can post schedules in the first place if the whole “thing” about newborns is that they don’t do schedules. I guess “LOL SUX 2 B U” is a hard sell.

The good news is, everything baby is doing is developmentally normal. The bad news is, it’s annoying as shit. But the additional good news is it will be cured with time. 😛

Small Changes

She gets more alert every day. There was one day I had her in the wrap and looked down to see her looking at me in a way that seemed intentional. I thought maybe I was just projecting something that wasn’t there—I was finally losing it after being cooped up with a baby all day—but Bren made a comment that same day that she seemed like she had more going on upstairs. Each day she seems more aware of the world.

We are even getting tiny smiles! She’s still working her way up but we think they’re real. And even if they’re not I’m choosing to interpret them as such because boy it makes all of this a little easier.

She is also workshopping new sounds, including an “I’m not sure I’m mad yet” cry that is just a quieter, more pathetic version of her “I’m actually mad” cry. It’s nice, it lets me know I’ve got 20 seconds to solve her problem before she is actually mad. 😛

Fed is Best

We’ve come to rely more on formula than breastmilk. I still feed her in the morning (when milk supply is supposedly at its highest) just so she gets some, or if she is a little fussy but it’s not time for a full feed I might give her a snack. Everybody says breastfeeding is more convenient but I guess it depends on your definition of convenience. It’s really not that hard to prep a bottle. I don’t find it especially convenient to be the ONLY person who can feed her, to leak through my clothes, and have to feed her every 45 minutes because she doesn’t get enough in one feeding to sustain her for longer. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Her weight gain is back on track. She was 23.6 inches at her 1-month check in, >99 percentile for length. :O She was 11lbs but I think today (a week later) she’s up to 12. At least based on the whole, “weigh myself with and without baby” measurement, which is very precise.

PS if breastfeeding works for somebody then absolutely do it. I’m not against it. I’m just against the weird cult-like attitude some people have about it.

PPS our pediatrician said that he was partially formula-fed and his mentor at medical school was exclusively formula fed. I thought it was cute that that was his way to assuage any fears we had about using formula. Formula-fed babies can still go on to achieve things!