The death of somebody close to you has a way of rearranging your priorities. I was pretty sure I was a DINK 4 LYFE but after Dad’s death I started thinking: maybe it’s time for me and Bren to start our own family. Somewhere in my subconscious I think I just sort of assumed my family–defined as my parents and brothers–would exist indefinitely. That assumption was proven very wrong and I started thinking…what else is there?

Truth be told I had been softening to the idea of having a kid because Bren is such a good partner. In my younger dating years (I see now) I was caught in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy: I didn’t think I wanted kids so I dated guys who also didn’t want kids. Those types of dudes are sort of by definition not great dad material, which made me think even more that I didn’t want kids because building a family with guys like that seemed like a terrible idea (and it was!). I only met Bren after I made the decision to look for a husband, specifically; I lucked out because he was OK with not having kids (which, at the time, I thought I would never want).

The other part of The Softening™ was I started thinking about how much time we have left (barring misfortune)–based on my relatives I’ve got a good 50-60 years left–what the heck will we do to fill all that time? Work, buy things, go on vacations, work, buy things…? We are both creative people so of course we would not be full-time consumers but–I don’t know. It seems like an awfully long time, and at the end, what else is there?

Of course, “wanting to fill the time and/or the meaningless void of my dreadful existence” is not a good reason to have a kid (in my opinion–it seems to me some people disagree), so I tabled the thought and figured I’d write a book instead.¹

In Dad’s “Doomsday Book,” where he wrote his goodbyes and passwords in the event of his death, he wrote that he believed that “love abides.” This will probably sound mystical—and it feels mystical—but even though he’s gone, I still feel the love he’s given me. When he was around obviously I just assumed it came from him but he’s gone and it’s still here. It’s not like a memory. It feels alive, like it’s part of and apart from me—it abides. I started thinking…maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to share this with somebody else. Once I started thinking about kids in a more positive way, I noticed my friends who really seem to enjoy their children. It’s a lot of work, sure, but it can be fun too.

All of these elements came together and we made the totally irrational (and probably financially irresponsible) decision to go for it. I’m in my 21st week and it’s a girl! We just did the anatomy scan, which was both really cool and creepy. For example, it was very cool (and reassuring) to see all four chambers of her heart and the heart valves functioning normally… and also very creepy to see all four chambers of her heart and the heart valves flappin’ away.

Everything seems to be progressing well. The main issue is I had the AUDACITY to conceive at age 34, and I will be 35 when she’s born. 35 is considered “advanced maternal age” and, even though they tell you it’s a decline and not a cliff, they sure do treat it like a cliff. One of the doctors tried to get me to go to the hospital for my ultrasound due to my age (they have a better machine, I guess?). When I told her I’d already scheduled my appointment at the clinic, she conceded that it was fine because I would “still be 34” when I had the ultrasound. The ultrasound, by the way, was 8 days before my birthday. I wonder if she would have forced me to go to the hospital if it had been scheduled just 9 days later. 🙂

At literally each appointment they remind me how old I am. The plus side is I get a lot of additional testing and it’s reassuring to hear things are normal. I feel almost bad for young mothers who just fly through the whole thing blind. Then again, they’re young lasses and not an olde haggarde crone like me…they can handle it. 🙂 The cynical part of me wonders if this is the result of some health insurance arrangement (e.g., insurance companies won’t pay for these tests for younger mothers).

I told my friend that I imagine the baby being born in a cloud of dust and cobwebs (accompanied by a coughing and wheezing noise, no doubt).

Other than some morning sickness–and by “morning” sickness I mean “constant, all-day” sickness–for a couple weeks, things have been fine. During my first trimester I was too sick and tired to do much but sit on the couch and eat bagels but in the second trimester I’ve been able to dance and workout. My energy levels are still pretty variable and I find I’m a little shorter on patience than usual (of course, I am pretty patient in general so at this point my patience levels are probably just “normal”). Other than that the main thing is the growing belly!

1. I still want to write a book but have no idea what topic. :)