It’s the 1-year anniversary of Dad’s death. Now we’ve gone through all the firsts without him: holidays, birthdays, etc. I’m feeling pretty OK. We got together for lunch just to do something nice.

Last year at Thanksgiving The Daily Stoic email was about gratitude, in particular that Stoic gratitude includes the bad things because it all makes you who you are. I screenshot the whole email so I could share it on my stories but then I remembered nobody reads stories and more importantly I wouldn’t be able to explain why it resonated with me so strongly because it was too early to announce the pregnancy.

It’s a difficult sentiment to articulate—obviously I’m not grateful my dad died. At the same time, here I am just over a month away from having a baby, which is unexpected—I thought I was a DINK 4 LYFE—and exciting. I wish he was here to meet her (as his sister said, he would have loved her, “well, once she got a little bigger and could do interesting things”) but if he was still here then she might not be. It definitely set me on a different path that has its own happiness.

Maybe this is just my human brain trying to put this terrible event into a pleasant narrative. And you know what, I’m fine with that. 😝

The Stoics believed that we should feel gratitude for all the people and events that form our lives. We shouldn’t just be thankful for the gifts we receive, and our relationships with friends and family. We should also be aware of and grateful for the setbacks and annoyances. For the difficult coworkers and the nagging in-laws, for the stress they put on us and whatever other difficulties we might be experiencing. Why? Because it’s all of those things, interconnected and interdependent, that made you who and what you are today. It is only by seeing the totality of things, good and bad, that you gain the understanding necessary to be truly grateful. It could be a terrible relationship that imploded spectacularly, but which led to you meeting the love of your life. It could even be the passing of a relative, something that caused you great sadness but which also spurred you to build stronger relationships with your loved ones who are still with us. It could be the failure of your industry which, for all the loss and difficulty, forced you to finally get serious about that dream you have long deferred. All of these things are sad, and they may not even lead to a happy ending—but they still define the course of your life, and it wouldn’t be you sitting there right now without them.

The Daily Stoic email, November 26, 2020