My back hurts. 🙂

Man, a lot has happened in the last 5 weeks. Boomer passed on. We had the baby shower, which was the first time I’d seen a lot of my friends in person in over a year. Tuesday (June 22) was the 1-year anniversary of Dad’s death. And my belly, like, doubled.

For the anniversary, we just got together and had lunch—we didn’t exactly want to “celebrate” the day but we also didn’t want to let it pass without comment. I guess “commemorate” would be the right word. We commemorated it by going to a restaurant he probably wouldn’t have liked. 😉

Now that a year has passed we’ve done all the first birthdays and holidays without him, so I think it’ll be a little easier going forward. Of course, there are still the big things (such as the baby) that I’ll be sad he’s missing.

I always sort of pictured myself as a childless harpy but was starting to come around to the idea of kids (Bren was always down for it). Dad’s death really shocked me and got me off the fence. I guess subconsciously I thought my family (defined as my parents and brothers) would be around forever, which sounds stupid, but most unexamined assumptions do when you say ’em out loud.

It’s bittersweet to say the least—I miss my dad a lot, but I might not have been set on this new path (with its own excitement and happiness) if he hadn’t died.

Anyway…pregnancy itself: it sucks. I basically hate everything about it. A BEAUTIFUL MIRACLE

• I have terrible restless leg syndrome. I actually had it from time to time before pregnancy but now it’s been kicked into overdrive. It makes me want to cry with frustration because I find it difficult to fall asleep or even just chill on the couch. I watch TV and read books standing up a lot. BUT ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP
  • I had to get up and walk around multiple times just writing this dumb post.
  • Magnesium does not help. I don’t know what kind of magnesium lobby has infiltrated the pregnancy industry but they recommend it for everything it does NOTHING
  • Compression socks don’t really help but I just kinda like wearing em
• My back has started hurting big time this week, which is probably not improved by the fact that I am basically standing all the time
• I feel…hot? Usually I run cold but now I’m burning up. Bren naturally runs hot and we definitely have our share of temperature wars. He’s so happy that I’m temporarily on the same page as he is—he even said “I wish you could be pregnant all the time” and I was like EXCUSE ME HOW DARE U
• If the baby moves around a lot I’m worried she’s thrashing because she’s dying. But if she doesn’t move much, I’m worried she’s already dead. If she hiccups, it’s probably because she’s dying. In conclusion, I try not to worry but worry a lot. That’s to say nothing of the fear that something is wrong with her but there’s no way to know.
• I find it very difficult to focus! I think this is why I’ve found it so difficult to keep up with even modified versions of my usual hobbies: I use every last shred of energy at work and there’s nothing left when I get home. This wouldn’t be so bad if I COULD just veg on the couch, but all my various aches keep me pacing around. SIGH
• I’ve given up on my usual strength training. I just…don’t want to. I know people do it and good for them. But I’ve been walking instead and usually get in about an hour of walking a day (half hour at work, half hour at home). My belly has been growing literally by the day—and at the beginning I was annoyed I didn’t have a bump yet! how foolish I was—so I’m starting to feel really achey and uncomfortable.

Supposedly this will all be worth it when we get our little screaming potato. I’ll be so relieved to see her on the outside and make sure she’s OK. Just about 5 weeks to go!